Attachment Disorder in Adopted Children

Shane M. Jones, LSCSW

All adoptive families are excited the moment their long awaited for new family member comes home.  The excitement of the new child and dreams of the loving relationship they will have seems in some ways a kind of “cruel setup” for when the confusion and frustration comes.  At first the behavior is over looked as “normal developmental behavior”, and/or as a temporal reaction the child is having to their new environment.  However, there are too many times that the family, mainly the parents, and almost always the mother (since they are often the primary caregiver) find themselves becoming more frustrated with the challenges the child is giving them.  The parents begin to experience higher levels of irritation with the child, feeling like “every thing is turning into a battle”, and in addition they begin to have thoughts of not wanting the child anymore.  This feeling of not wanting the child is horrifying to the parents, yet they know they wanted the child, so they assume they are just not doing a good enough job of parenting, which brings shame and guilt.  Things only get worse for the parents when friends and family seem to have a wonderful relationship with the child, and are making comments about how “sweet, loving, special, wonderful, friendly, etc. the child is.  Let’s add another ingredient into the mix.  Usually there is one or more extended family members who see the reaction the parents have toward the adopted child, yet see how loving of a relationship they have with the child, so they try to compensate, thus making everything worse.

What is happening?  The child has not developed the ability to bond to a primary caregiver, yet she/he has clearly learned that “big people” are who you get care from.  The more the child has had multiple care givers the less they will see the need to “attach” to one, and will actually start resisting the one(s) who are most involved in their lives.  The child has developed an incredible ability to draw attention from many adults, thereby avoiding having to rely on one set of care givers.  If it were only “minding your parents” this would be easier.  The typical child who has been with the same parents since birth has often tried to “run the show”, but are convinced within themselves that they NEED their Mom and Dad.  A child with attachment disorder is certain they DON”T NEED their Mom and Dad, so it begins to feel that the child is on a mission to resist, frustrate, and control, yet they seem to hold all the strange and frustrating behaviors in check when others are present, often showing increased “good behavior”.  Here are a few of the behaviors parents experience from the child, but is seldom seen by anyone else:  withdrawal of affection that was so freely given early in the relationship, development of control issues, making noises while being read to, not wanting to “snuggle”, increased lying, and making “cold” statements to family members like not wanting to be with them anymore.  Some of these characteristics seem like things any child might do, yet the parents who experience it know that this is different.  So what’s different?  During the time the child is developing these negative traits they will often increase affection toward others, even complete strangers.  Your average child who resists eventually desires the closeness and comfort of the parent, the unattached child does not feel this need and keeps moving away from the one they should be attaching with.

If what I have said fits your situation, I hope it helps you to feel a sense of hope.  If you are an extended family member or friend, and have identified with wondering if the parent even likes their new child, then check it out more by talking with them, and reading up on “attachment disorder”.  There is help, and the sooner the better.  The help of a professional or support group is very valuable, for you and your child.